The
Comical, Unlucky and Strange
In my time playing
for Rainham Cricket Club I have seen my fair share of incidents.
Fortunately most of these have been very comical and are worth recording
for others to share.
Back in the late sixties
I remember a very fast and erratic bowler who turned out for the
Second XI named Peter Ryecroft or 'Piecrust', as he was otherwise
known. As a young 17-year-old who attended Gillingham Grammar School
he had an unbelievably long run up which started at the boundary
edge. Running in at full pace, snorting furiously, he was an intimidating
sight before delivering the ball. At Second XI level he was very
effective but in one particular match he was outwitted when the
two opposing batsmen decided to take runs while he was running in
to bowl. I remember this causing a lot of controversy at the time
and Peter became quite irate but both sets of players saw the funny
side of it before resorting to proper cricket.
In my experience some
of the most comical incidents have involved a player named Phil
Austin who played for the club in the sixties and early seventies.
He was a very quick witted, fast talking individual with brushed
back hair covered in brylcream, glasses, a fat protruding stomach
whose answer to virtually everything was "You will get this."
Other comments included, "Just turned septic," when asked
the time and "See you in a minute," immediately before
going out to bat. He also regarded his best shot as being the straight
drive between first and second slip.
The first memorable incident
was in 1973 at High Halstow in a batting partnership of 73 with
me. After hitting the ball through the covers I set off for the
runs, Phil Austin then began walking thinking that the ball was
going for four. However, a fielder retrieved the ball but Phil Austin
who had run one run to my two caught up with me so that both of
us were running in the same direction towards the same end. After
total confusion he eventually reached the correct end with the scorers
left totally bemused about how many runs had been scored. When asked
what had gone wrong he replied with his usual frankness, "You
will get this".
On another occasion he
slipped while he was playing a shot, did the splits and was left
stuck on the ground unable to move with both legs outstretched in
opposite directions. He only prevented himself from inflicting self-injury
by balancing himself on his upright bat with his left hand. Several
members of the opposition then had to help him to his feet with
both teams in stitches of laughter.
The third incident
occurred when Phil Austin arrived from the Railway pub and went
out to open the innings. Batting early in his innings he looked
confident but after playing a shot collapsed on the ground clasping
his head in apparent agony. Many of the nearby fielders ran to assist
him but when as umpire I asked him what was wrong he replied: "It's
alright, the barcardi has just separated from the coke". He
then resumed his position at the crease and continued batting without
a problem.
As I was travelling to
a match against BP Kent in 1972 Phil Austin who was sitting next
to me in the car looking out of the window turned around suddenly
and said:
"Look over there
Woody I can see some of your colts."
As I was the
colts manager at the time and worried that those who had been picked
for this particular match had got lost on the way to the match I
looked closely. However, Phil Austin was referring to a group of
young horses in a nearby field. Very funny, ha ha.
Finally, in a match at
Berengrove Park in the early seventies I was fielding at silly mid
off. Roy Smith bowled and the batsman hit a full-blooded drive straight
into my head. Fortunately it struck me on the part of the forehead
where you usually head a football. The force of the blow was so
great that it knocked me backwards on to the ground. At the same
time the ball flew about twenty yards straight up into the air.
Roy Smith ran forward and took the catch. As the Rainham team laughed
loudly and I rose from the ground uninjured but dazed Phil Austin
who had taken the ball from Roy Smith, examined it then holding
it aloft announced:
"Look at
the ball, Woody's head is so hard it's split the seam."
One player who definitely
suffered physical pain while others experienced aching stomachs
with laughter was bowler Mick Ward in an all day match at B.O.C.M
in 1970. With his usual serious expression after a long run up he
bowled his normal slow medium delivery only to have it smashed straight
back into his shins by the batsman. Within a split second poor Mick
was writhing on the ground holding both shins in intense agony.
Almost simultaneously virtually the whole Rainham side fell to the
ground with intense laughter. Even captain Terry Glazier who liked
things to be done properly on the field of play saw the funny side.
Mick Ward was the first to recover finally making it difficult to
see who had been injured the most, him or his laughing team mates.
One of the most
ironic comments that I have heard on a cricket pitch involved bowler
David Firth in what turned out to be his last game at Broadstairs
in 1996. Having been put into bat, opening batsman Chris Kidd took
the Rainham bowling apart with some superb hitting, mainly off the
bowling of David Firth. With the Broadstairs batsman nearing his
double century in a final total of 380-3 off 40 overs David Firth
with a fraying temper and frustration at last beat him with a ball
outside the off stump. Glaring at him down the wicket the Rainham
bowler told him how lucky he was and finally ended by saying with
all seriousness:
"You want
to learn to bat, mate."
... and at the
end of the over, he went directly to his car and drove off, never
to be seen again, having given himself the lifetime ban he would
undoubtedly have received anyway for such conduct.
In 2000 at Paddock
Wood Adeel Hussain bowled a full-length delivery that appeared to
beat the batsman but there was a sharp deflection. As wicket keeper
I dived full length to my left, took the ball cleanly and loudly
appealed with the rest of the team for a catch. Unfortunately the
ball had hit the outside of the off stump without dislodging the
bails so the batsman was given not out. In the same match Nick Plumridge
conceded more than 40 runs in no balls and wides and the wicket
was so bad that one delivery from a Paddock Wood opening bowler
took off so violently that it cleared the wicket keeper and went
for four byes off the first bounce. This was definitely a game and
pitch to forget.
In 1986 at High Halstow
in a mid-week game a Halstow batsman hit a memorable six. It wasn't
remembered as a particularly fantastic shot but more by the way
it crossed the boundary. Standing several yards in front of the
boundary line Andrew Parkinson (not the present Andy Parkinson),
a fairly young and inexperienced cricketer, not known for his catching
ability, stood poised ready to take the catch. Unfortunately he
misjudged the flight, it went over his hands, landed on his head
and bounced several yards over the boundary for six. While Andrew
stood holding his head in intense agony the Rainham team stood looking
in disbelief.
In 1971 I remember
spending the time immediately before a match with Old Williamsonians
in the bar of the Railway pub with George Phillips. Both of us got
particularly drunk, then proceeded to the ground to be told that
Rainham were batting and that George and I had to open the batting.
Barely able to stand, talk or take his guard properly George got
ready to face the first delivery. The bowler pitched a half volley
and George amazingly dispatched it yards over the pavilion for six.
I walked up to George and said:
"That was amazing
George. How did you do that?"
"Piece of piss Woody,"
replied George with a smile on his face barely able to stand.
In another early seventies
meeting with Old Williamsonians at Berengrove Park Rainham were
batting and I was asked to umpire. A well-known Old Boys bowler
ran in to bowl but in my opinion from square leg his action looked
suspect because his arm appeared to be bent. I therefore, called
"no ball!" The bowler tried a second time but the same
again, again, again and again. Eventually after adverse comments
another bowler was brought on to finish the over and I was asked
to leave the field by captain Terry Glazier who discreetly took
over as umpire at the end of the over. I still believe that I was
right but politics ruled at the end of the day.
In 1970 I was
due to play in a mid-week match against Medway Police at the Wingets
Sports Ground. In the same match an ex Rainham cricketer named Ron
Banks who had recently returned from Australia for a holiday was
also due to be playing. He had played as a batsman for Rainham during
the 1950s and early 1960s. He had returned to the club with great
nostalgia to fulfill his wish of playing one last game for his old
club before returning to his new country. Knowing this, Terry Glazier
put him high in the batting order. After dismissing Medway Police
for 107 Ron was asked to go in to bat. During the first over the
other Rainham batsman hit the ball and called a suicidal run. Ron
took off but was run out by a mile for 0 without having faced a
ball. Bad luck for a person who had literally travelled across the
world for a game of cricket. However, looking on the bright side
Ron was happy to have participated in the match which Rainham went
on to win by three wickets. He returned to Australia and was never
seen again.
David Wood 2004
