The Garden Gnome Sensation

For years you could quietly walk along Orchard Street, peer over a wall in Hurst Place and catch sight of a particularly interesting figure. What or who was this? A garden gnome, very short with an upturned nose and bum, a permanent smile written across a round face, short fat legs, dressed in white, holding a cricket bat in one hand and doffing a bright yellow cap with the other. In 1992 this conspicuous figure suddenly disappeared. It became a talking point for a while then just a fading memory.

In 1998 a little figure turned up at Berengrove Park purporting to be an ex Gillingham cricketer. This figure had disappeared since Gillingham had folded up in the early nineties. Rumour had it that he had been seen periodically on the Cliffe marshes going out to bat for the local village club. This couldn’t be confirmed by any of the Rainham members but it was accepted as the truth. Several members swore they had seen him somewhere in Rainham before but they couldn’t be sure where. Who really was this mysterious little man?

Always looking at home on the grass wickets the little cricketer who called himself Chris Taylor quickly became a batting sensation at Rainham Cricket Club. Almost dwarf-like [Editor's note - Dopey, Sneezy or Grumpy?!], he had an incredible style as well as a squeaky voice and mischievous smile. Lunging his front foot inches down the wicket he effectively clubbed the ball in all directions to frustrate many teams in the Mid Kent League. He quickly got to work with a "hi ho" attitude and was quickly in the runs, scoring 52 not out against New Infield and 53 against Addington, characteristically doffing his cap upon reaching his half century.

For his fellow players little Chris had such an entertaining style that they named him Bish Bash. At first they treated him as a novelty and some even laughed at his bish bash method of batting but the little man was made of harder stuff and was out to prove a point. Hitting 80 against the Mote, 60 against Borden, 50 against Borstal and 49 against Offham in 1999 he soon became a force to be reckoned with. In 2000 he did even better and scored 1,000 runs, came second in the Second XI league averages with 460 runs and had an average of 46. His 86 against Offham and his 81 against High Halstow were memorable innings. He quickly advanced to greater things scoring a magnificent 117 not out against Goudhurst in 2001 and by the end of 2004 had passed 5,000 runs for Rainham Cricket Club. He proved once and for all that his bish bashing was an effective, valid and legal form of batting on the cricket circuit although it is still questioned from time to time, even today.

Always at home on grass the little man soon expanded his talents in the Rainham side by sporting wicketkeeping gloves and becoming a loud and squeaky howzatter! Standing or crouching behind the stumps (it was hard to distinguish between the two), head at stump height, he became a great entertainer for crowd and team mates alike, who created a game in his honour known as "spin the gnome". The idea for this came when a particularly hard return from the boundary led to him showing off his secret love of ballet, performing an elaborate pirouette as his short arms struggled to absorb the impact of the throw. His stumping method became so enthusiastic that many times all three stumps would be left lying on the ground as he stood legs apart and arms aloft, his outstretched arms level with the top of his head. His wicketkeeping, like his batting was non stop entertainment and his ballet dancing abilities also gave him the ability to catch the ball between his legs.

But the little man branched out from performing on grass to taking on responsibilities that ranged from being the Mid Kent League representative and club fixture secretary through to the on field responsibily of being Sunday Second XI Captain. What was the reason for this meteoric rise? It is a well known fact that little people compensate their height with drive and ambition, after all, Napoleon was such a figure. Will the little man attempt a coup at the club? Will he become the undisputed Mr Rainham Cricket Club? The future holds no bounds for the mysterious little man from the Cliffe marshes. He resides just off Orchard Street in Hurst Place and as passers by peer over his garden wall while he is watering the flowers some will no doubt think ‘where have I seen that little figure before?’

David Wood 2005