The Neutrons

The dictionary says that a neutron is part of a nucleus that decays when it is freed. However, there is another neutron, in fact, three other neutrons, all connected with Rainham Cricket Club. There was a fourth named Ken but he has gone into retirement.

The neutron family nucleus is based in Maidstone Road, Rainham. The three neutrons all have similarities. They all speak with a whisper, they all have long arms and legs and they all have a peculiar and effective style when playing cricket.

The oldest neutron is Paul, also known as "Paulo" or "Peanut", gaining the latter name because of his peanut shaped head. In appearance he has undisputed character. With a permanent smile written across his permanently unshaven face, a home made knitted RCC pullover almost covering his whatsits and a baggy 1980s RCC cap perched on his head, Peanut Neutron is far from being stupid. He has developed a bowling style which has foiled and puzzled the best.

With a round arm action that is delivered from behind his back many batsmen have been left standing in amazement with their stumps lying on the ground, almost shocked but totally bewildered. In reality I can now reveal that Peanut is a fully trained hypnotist but he has always kept this a secret for fear of his most valuable asset being discovered and outlawed under ICC rules. If you watch closely he usually stares out opposing batsmen just before running in to bowl. Totally transfixed the batsman is no match for the cunning Peanut who chooses his length according to whether he wants the batsman lbw caught or bowled and then delivers the ball. Few batsmen have been able to overcome these tactics of the astute Peanut.

In the field Peanut Neutron is a sight to admire. Many people have observed that when he chases a ball he resembles the Disney character Pluto - all arms and legs. Many times he has run parallel to the ball for a distance of twenty yards or more, huffing and puffing until both he and the ball have passed over the boundary side by side.

Upon attempting to field a ball Peanut Neutron usually gets everything behind but for some uncanny reason the ball still passes through. Sympathizers say that this is because he has naturally bandy legs so that when he puts his feet together his legs are still apart. We all have natural disadvantages.

Peanut Neutron is an all-rounder and he has had many fine performances with the bat although he still holds the club record for running out the largest number of fellow batsmen in the history of the club. He says that he is just misunderstood by too many people.

On a serious note Peanut Neutron's earliest batting achievement was as a teenager for the Second XI in 1981 when he scored 88 in partnership with Paul Fisher 107 not out in a total of 238-4 against Sherwood. His batting high point came in 1991 when he hit 120 against Boughton & Eastwell in a score of 192-7. Since then he has worked his way down the order. He has tried various tactics to get into the higher order but present captain Glen Cook is only too aware of his hypnotic skills and refrains from looking him in the eye. The last time he tried was at Headcorn in a Wednesday afternoon match in 2001. After Glen Cook repeatedly avoided his look the frustrated Peanut Neutron (who was due to bat at number nine) went to his car and drove back to Rainham. This was in frustration about one hour into the match leaving his side a man short. In recent years he has more readily accepted his plight, continues to smile and still possesses a trick or two with those staring eyes.

In my experience Peanut Neutron's greatest moment was in 2000 at Tonbridge when he had to accumulate five runs in partnership with me to win the match with only one wicket to fall. After I had scored a single Peanut had to face the final over. In an atmosphere of tension he hit the second ball of the over for four runs to win the match. If Tonbridge had taken his wicket Rainham would not have won the Readers Mid Kent League Championship that season so this was probably the most valuable shot he has ever played for the club.

The second Neutron, otherwise known as Matthew, has similarities to Peanut with a baggy cap, a home made knitted pullover covering his whatsits, a whispering voice and a unique personal style.

Very tall with a great mop of black hair and long arms and legs, he possesses a bowling technique a little different from Peanut. He almost leaps with slow motion strides to the wicket after a series of hesitant steps. In bowling his long legs can sometimes be a disadvantage as his long stride sometimes causes him to overstep. In batting his front foot goes farther down the wicket than the average cricketer and with long arms that are wound up like a clock he can unleash a very effective and powerful shot to the cow corner boundary.

He delivers the ball at a faster rate and is much more serious than the smiling Peanut. In fact, he is so serious that he has turned his attention to dealing in stocks and shares and spends his working life as a computer whizz kid.

He has had his great moments at the club but many club members would say that his greatest achievement was to turn up for a match wearing a clean pair of cricket whites after a decade of taking the field wearing crumpled and dirty ones.

The third neutron to make up the nucleus is John, also known as "Stretch" due to his enormous height. The only married neutron, he was a regular at the club for many years as an opening batsman and irregular spin bowler. Probably the best dressed of the three when taking the field, Stretch had many valuable innings for the Second XI. He scored 102 against Old Gravesendians in 1990, one of his early memorable innings and one of many fine innings over the years.

As a batsman Stretch Neutron puts his long legs to good use as his front foot is usually half way down the wicket as the ball is delivered. This allows him to play the off drive with ease and it has become his trademark and main scoring shot.

As a bowler in his early days he attempted to bowl leg breaks but every delivery turned into the wrong'un. Because of this his right'un became the standard bowler's wrong'un. This brought about total confusion for everyone involved, including himself, so he decided to abandon bowling to concentrate on his batting.

Stretch Neutron's career came to a temporary end some years ago after he fell over in the street and almost fell under a London bus. The result of this was a damaged knee. However, he is now back in action as a very straight and elegant stroke player but as a married man with a child his appearances are restricted. He is the last of the present generation of neutrons.

Long live the neutrons.

David Wood 2004